Doctor Lily Kwan - Personal Log #7

Now what do I do? They want me to meet the expedition’s Chief Scientific Officer – in person. But I can’t, I just can’t! There’s no way in hell I can get out of the Tower without a bodyguard.

I need to think about this. There must be something I can do. Hang on … I guess we could do it via vid screen. If Father finds out, he’ll be furious, but that won’t be the worst part. He’ll see to it I never set foot outside again.

On the other hand, it’s reasonable risk. I’ve chatted with other researchers on the vid before and Father couldn’t be bothered to ask who they were. If I ask Doctor Schmidt for the questions in advance, I can keep it short.  Yes! And I’ll say he’s in Europe so I have to stay up 'til the early hours because of the time difference.

When I weigh it all up, logically and calmly – yes, I’m going to do it!

God, I’m so scared, so excited!

Doctor Lily Kwan - Personal Log #6

My hands are shaking so much I can hardly type. I’ve done the research, found out everything I can about Unity colony and Solitaire. Oh my god, a whole new world – literally! The scientific reports are brief and contain only minimal data, mainly about climate and geology. There were blurry images of trees and grasses, but all so strange. I'm dying to know more, to touch, to test.

I stayed up almost ‘til dawn. In fact, the maid caught me asleep with my head on the desk. Thank god the poor woman’s illiterate or she might have reported back to Father about what was on my screen.

No question that I’m perfectly qualified for the post. Today I’m going to build a new firewall. Once that’s in place, I’m going to fill in those forms and send them. 

I won’t change my mind. I acknowledge my fear, honestly I do, but I intend to do this.

Doctor Lily Kwan - Personal Log #5

They’re sending another convict fleet to Unity colony! I could hardly believe it, but the ships were there, on tonight’s newscast, three of them – Siren, Sprite and Sphinx. You could see the shuttles zipping back and forth in the loading bays and the stars wheeling behind. According to the newscaster, it’s almost entirely prisoners and military personnel, but there will be a small group of scientists. 

I can hardly breathe, my hands are shaking. I wonder if— No, no, it’s stupid. 

But I have a doctorate in xeno-botany and another in biochemistry. No one can say I’m wouldn’t be useful on a largely unexplored world like Solitaire. Have to get more information.

Oh god, escape!

Doctor Lily Kwan - Personal Log #4

The riots are terrible. Eighteen killed downtown, in a protest at the office of the Water Board. There wasn't anything about it on the regular channels, of course. Father and his cronies in the other Families control the news, but there are still a few rogue newscasters out there. They're so brave. I'm such a coward, such a spoiled brat. 

No, no, on reflection, that's not quite right. What I am is an incredible waste.

I need to think about this.

Doctor Lily Kwan - Personal Log #3

Father doesn't like me watching the newscasts. In fact, he's forbidden it.

Honestly, for such an intelligent man, he can be remarkably stupid. It's not logical to boast about his brilliant daughter and her two doctorates to his Tower elite cronies and then turn around and treat me like a sulky child in private.

As if he could stop me accessing whatever information I need! Huh!

Doctor Lily Kwan - Personal Log #2

It's actually a lovely day today. If I crane my head so I can stare up, above even the top floor of the Tower, the sky is blue. So pretty. It's only when you look down that you see the ugliness, the smog masking the endless conurbation that is the North East. From this high, I can see a big brown blob in the far distance. Guess it's the sludgy remains of the Lakes.

I know how lucky I am. I KNOW! I've been given everything Father's filthy money can buy - good food, clean air, a rigorous scientific education. On the other hand, truisms are called that for a reason. This one's a humdinger: There's a price, there's always a price. 

Not sure how much longer I can go on paying it.

Doctor Lily Kwan - Personal Log #1

Keeping this log constitutes a risk, but it's a pretty conservative one, I think - and oh, God, I need to express myself somehow! I've triple encrypted everything, hidden it in a tiny corner of one of Father's servers. His IT guys might be good, but I'm better. Have been since I was a kid. Anyway, it's worth it. If I can't lay my thoughts out in a logical order I really think I might go mad.

Without Mama, it's been so much harder to maintain my balance with Father, to be who I really am. It's only four months since she died and I know she had a good end, as comfortable as Father's physicians could make her. They were so incredibly scared, all of them. Well, who wouldn't be, with the bodyguards watching every procedure, their faces like stone?

Eighty stories up in the Kwan Family Tower, everything's pain free. If Mama had been down there, in the sprawling slums, she would have died by inches, screaming. I wonder if I'd have had the guts to put her out of her misery? People do that these days. They call it mercy and the authorities - such as they are - turn a blind eye.

Up here, it's all so damn clean, so quiet, so calm. I hate it.

No, I HATE it!